Kyla's Diary

Today exactly 2 weeks ago I obviously didn't feel well as Mistress pushed me aside in favour of her family. I couldn't really see me become friends only with her that time and had a real hard time seeing everything in perspective. I knew that by this time I would feel better already of course but was afraid that feeling better for me would still leave me with an uncomfortable feeling towards my ex-lover and Mistress. However, by now I think that this will turn out to be different than I feared and thought.

Mistress' reaction (yes, I talk about her still as Mistress because here in my diary it would simply be confusing when I suddenly started calling her by her name) to my previous entry did a lot of good and I read it maybe 20 times. When you examine it carefully then what else but simply love and concern can be read in it? I mentioned being frustrated, angry, lonely and still in love. Some of those things changed and some not at all.

• The frustration somehow remains, even if it fades somewhat. Of course I see Mistress' points but that does not suddenly make me feel better, no matter if she's right a thousand times.
• The anger is completely gone. What else could happen after reading her loving explanation as to how she had to come to her decision?
• The feeling of being lonely did fade somewhat, even if not that much. I saw her almost as often and long as before the last weeks. Part of what was between us is not missing, it's still very much there but we both can't give in to that anymore. So there is a gap between what we (or at least I) would like to do most and what we can still do after the breakup and that's holding each other and tell the other that we love her.
• Still in love? Well, it's clear that nothing changed for me on that aspect. Even if I know that it is over, I'm crazy about her still and that will probably be for a long time. Of course I will be able to deal with it better over time. I'm already able to do that way more than a week ago for instance.

Do I feel better now then? Definitely! Yes, I'm still sad and yes, when I think too deeply about it and read things back, I could still cry easily. But... that would be a choice to do and not a necessity. What's even more... It would be suicidal to keep living in the past. Instead I live in the present, not looking too far ahead and simply enjoy everything coming to me at THIS moment as much as I can.

So where do I stand then now? Well, Mistress and I still spend a lot of time together as friends. I have the feeling that she perhaps has to get used even more to not being able to tell me what to do than I. She released me though and to her I present myself as free, no matter how much I miss being restrained. I have to make decisions on my own now and I do just that. Of course I think about her feelings when I do but I am the only one being responsible now for where I'm heading.

Love,
Kyla