Just a few days after a talk with Mistress about my previous post, I got what I was asking for... and then some!
Mistress took me to a place I was once before but had discarded it at that time because I did not have use for it. It's a place packed with big dungeons with about every perverted device imaginable.
Here's a short version of what followed (the long one is way too perverted and none of your reader's business anyway: I was tied up to two devices that both emerged me in water with my head. A very scary experience when you can not come up for air when you think you need it. And you can trust your Mistress all you want but once you are under water and you feel your lungs burning, panic is all too close by. During when I was tied to the second device, I signaled that I was close to a limit and Mistress stopped after a last teasing short emerging.
The sweet time afterwards, the slow relaxation and the love radiating from Mistress was pure heaven though. I so needed something like this and it turned out to be just as I thought. No need to be scared of hurting me. I will practically come back beggingfor more after a short period of relaxation.
All in all, this is what I need at times. Makes on feel alive!
Love,
Kyla
Yesterday Mistress and I had a talk about play-preferences. Mistress loves to play with people's minds. On a very rare occasions she does with me too. Not nearly as often as I would like though. Instead she often searches for something to do together with me towards someone else than that she does it to me.
This may well be my own mistake as after a few pretty intense scenes in the past, I needed a lot of aftercare. However, I did not take into account that Mistress might need the same somehow. The scenes were intense for her too. She thoroughly enjoyed making me cry and scream. After the power rush was over and she had to take care of me, bringing me down to earth again, she saw what it did to me. Somehow I think this must have made Mistress scared of doing it again. Scared of being the one to hurt her loved one.
Thing is... Even if I might cry, scream and yell at her right then because I feel lost and detached somehow; Even if I might be hurt for some reason; I crave it anyway. I need to feel it. Afterwards I feel replenished. Never has there been permanent damage of whatever kind. Never has my trust in my beloved Mistress become less because of an intense scene. Sure, I might be pushed to my limits and sure, I might accidentally be pushed over. Nothing is ever happened though that made my feelings less for Mistress.
To make a long story short: Mistress, please don't feel you have a fragile girl that can not handle things. I can handle more than You might realise. Yes, you can hurt me but I am not afraid of that. Please don't be afraid of yourself either? Only someone who loves me and whom I trust fully, can hurt me and have my unconditional love in return.
Love,
Kyla
Yesterday Mistress and I clashed over what might seem like a trivial thing to others but was important to me at the time.
I always let Mistress know how I think about silly girls walking with bells around so everybody can hear them coming from miles away. That opinion is pretty explicit:
I hate it when another of those bimbos comes walking by, showing off what a good slave she is with her bells. She's not because she bothers people with that irritating jingle around her ankles. So the best I give someone like that is a cold look and the thought: "How pathetic".No surprise that I refuse to have something like that around my own ankle, neck or anywhere else?
Yesterday turned out a little different though. With some new clothes I bought, there were two anklets with of course the mandatory bells and of course the default as loud as can be. I didn't even bother to look if perhaps the bells could be disabled (i knew they could) but instead simply removed the scripts and sound file. Problem solved... ?
Well no, it was not because as soon as I started moving again, there was another kind of jingle. Louder even than the ones I had on before. My collar? Yup yup... I thought I removed those scripts long ago from it. I obviously did not and while I was cursing about some designers and removing the bells of the anklets, Mistress made a quick joke by enabling the bells in my collar.
When I started to walk again and heard the sound, I didn't ask or discuss anything. I was still way too pissed off to do so. Instead I simply deleted script and sound file of the collar. I thought it had not worked so I took my collar off, put it on the ground and looked in it there. Of course Mistress noticed what I was planning to do and ordered me not to do it. When I looked in it the script was already gone though so her warning came too late.
Since I never lie to her (at least not that I know), it hurt when she did not believe me and thought I had deliberately ignored her. Even if I told her I was not able to help it anymore at the time of the order. BTW... I have to say here that it would not have made a big difference because at that moment I would have ignored her anyway and still would have deleted the script. But I would also have been honest about it and simply accept any discipline coming my way.
Mistress turned her back to me and I was told, I could come back at the moment I had fixed it back in it's old state. Now that would have been harsh for both of us because:
- I have no idea where to get that version of the script back;
- I simply don't want that script in something I wear so I will never put it back anyway
So that would mean I would never be able to come back at her feet.
I was kinda dumbfounded that I was not believed. Way more than that Mistress was mad at me. I was mad at her too for crossing a hard limit, even if it was meant in fun. It resulted in a real bitchy argument the next few minutes. Eventually we settled it. Both, I think with a feeling of not being satisfied with the outcome.
When looking back at it we might both have made some mistakes here:
- I did not listen to Mistress and acted before she even had a chance to undo what was meant as fun for her.
- On the other hand... Mistress could have known that breaking a hard limit is never seen as fun for the receiving party.
Anyway... I hope we both learned from it.
Love,Kyla
Why?
Not to be deliberately disrespectful, even if maybe there is a little bit of 'challening Miss' in it too. No, It seems more like that I don't see the truth at those moments: She is the one giving direction to our relationship, she is captain of the ship and not me.
So I say or do something stupid and Miss has to discipline me to get me in line again. Everybody happy you would think: The Domme can use her power and her girl will have to submit to it. Isn't that what it is all about?
The answer is, NO!
Miss is dominant alright and will never allow me to top her from the bottom. By me (to a degree unconsciously) trying to do so anyway, I force her to discipline me. Not in a pleasant session for both but simply a true punishment that I thought I needed. But... it never leaves me satisfied because Miss knows all too well the difference between pleasure and discipline. And it does not leave Miss satisfied either because she likes to reward good behaviour rather than punish bad behaviour.
A few days ago I messed up big time again. The punishment came swiftly and was fitting. It gave me enough time to contemplate about why I was doing that. Soon enough I had enough of my punishment but Miss finished it all to the end before she forgave me. Afterwards, we had a talk about respect and how it hurt Miss to be forced to do this.
Since that moment, something inside me seems to change though. I can feel butterflies in my stomach whenever I think of her. Love? Well yes that too. This goes deeper though. It seems to me like a first true understanding of my position towards her. At this moment I feel the need to pleasure her in every way possible and the need to be bratty is at an all time low.
Doe it mean I will never screw up again?
Well no... I'm human too and will make mistakes again. It is a start though, to true submission to her. I can somehow feel her pressence around me at all times now. And even if I am allowed to be playful, that pressence should be able to prevent me from taking just that extra step. The point where playfulness ends and being disrespectful begins.
I need You to help me with it Miss. To show me where to draw the line. I will not try to cross it again though.
Love, Kyla
