Kyla's Diary

Three days ago, Miss mentioned that she does miss me and would like to have a second chance. I had to think about it and put my thoughts straight. I might have seemed eager, and in a way I was. But not at cost of my dignity and not without having demands from my side that I could only hope were compatible with her ideas.

I wrote an email to her with all my demands and concerns... They basically came down to: "Show me that you love me and spend exclusive time with me".

Yesterday evening I prepared to talk with her about it and I hoped she was prepared too. Since she was on before me, she was talking with a new friend of hers already so we had half of our talk in IM while still having to pay attention to that friend too. Not an ideal situation but alas, I can understand that you don't send someone away immediately.

Eventually that friend was gone and I thought we could finally have our talk. It was at Miss' new home, a place she has on the land of friends that I could never stand. I would have preferred the quiet place of my own home and I told that to her but she replied that she was happy there. OK, I too have to work for a relation so we stayed at her place and started our talk.

Only 15 minutes later, one of those friends (an ex of her) comes walking in uninvited (or so I thought) so I said to Miss: "See? That's what I mean". I was really surprised when Miss replied: "No, I invited her in". I had something like: "We are both fighting for our last chance to be together and you invite friends while we talk"?

Not long after, a second and third of her friends walked in, Miss decided to talk with them about skins and hair and show off her newest avatar, a cute cat. Oh and inbetween she answered me in IM's too. What a total lack of timing! How careless with my feelings! How on earth can you act like that when you seriously want to fight for your last chance?

It turned out to me that it was in her eyes me that should get a last chance. I should change drastically, accept all those weirdo’s of friends and interact with them. Yes right! As if I have anything to say to that kind of people. Especially not when I want to talk about how to build up what we lost again.

I always had the feeling that RL, even if it might be one of the reasons I was pushed away, was not the main reason. The main reason was simply because I was boring her at the time. Ohhh... I believe she missed me, but I know now that she does not miss me enough to: "Show me that she loves me and spend exclusive time with me".

Sure, she wants to spend time with me. As long as I can accept that I have to share her with a "friend" that once told her that "she wouldn't touch Miss with a 10 foot pole", her ex and the owner of the place.

Well, I can not compete with that and I told her that. She accused me that I wanted to make her choose between them and I. Reality is that she had already chosen for them, she made that more than clear to me so I pulled back. I told her that I had already chosen for her. The only thing I could do in those circumstances as she is not capable anymore of showing me that she truly loves me.

I would have loved if we could work things out but at least I finally have the truth. Something she always denied but never showed with her actions too. And again this time... words are nice, actions are better. At least I know the true reason why I was pushed aside and even if I don't like it, knowing the truth helps big time in getting over her.

She asked me if I would remove her from my friend-list. The answer is no, it means a lot to her somehow. I have no idea why because she has other friends that she prefers but alas, the only thing it does is that it takes up some space on that list so for now she can stay on it.

This concludes this diary.
I might start a new one... some day... for someone else.

The illusion has ended.

Love,
Kyla

Today exactly 2 weeks ago I obviously didn't feel well as Mistress pushed me aside in favour of her family. I couldn't really see me become friends only with her that time and had a real hard time seeing everything in perspective. I knew that by this time I would feel better already of course but was afraid that feeling better for me would still leave me with an uncomfortable feeling towards my ex-lover and Mistress. However, by now I think that this will turn out to be different than I feared and thought.

Mistress' reaction (yes, I talk about her still as Mistress because here in my diary it would simply be confusing when I suddenly started calling her by her name) to my previous entry did a lot of good and I read it maybe 20 times. When you examine it carefully then what else but simply love and concern can be read in it? I mentioned being frustrated, angry, lonely and still in love. Some of those things changed and some not at all.

• The frustration somehow remains, even if it fades somewhat. Of course I see Mistress' points but that does not suddenly make me feel better, no matter if she's right a thousand times.
• The anger is completely gone. What else could happen after reading her loving explanation as to how she had to come to her decision?
• The feeling of being lonely did fade somewhat, even if not that much. I saw her almost as often and long as before the last weeks. Part of what was between us is not missing, it's still very much there but we both can't give in to that anymore. So there is a gap between what we (or at least I) would like to do most and what we can still do after the breakup and that's holding each other and tell the other that we love her.
• Still in love? Well, it's clear that nothing changed for me on that aspect. Even if I know that it is over, I'm crazy about her still and that will probably be for a long time. Of course I will be able to deal with it better over time. I'm already able to do that way more than a week ago for instance.

...Not exactly the way one likes to be though.

Yesterday evening something happened that I felt coming for a while already but tried to ignore desperately: Mistress has enough of me and dumped me.

Of course with the nicest of words and with the hope we can stay friends. Yes right! It's not that a dumped person would not like to stay friends with someone but... try to be friendly to one that is special to you but you obviously not anymore to her. Well, I will honestly try but experiences from the past tell me that it will be hard.

Right now frustration, anger, a deep feeling of loneliness and of course the love I still have for her are all I can feel. The coming weeks will be hard and I know I will walk around as a zombie. After all... The only one that ever truly was able to touch my heart is not there for me anymore.

After those few weeks I will slowly start to look for glue. There's nobody that will help me to heal a broken heart so there's only one that has the power to do so and that's me. As a matter of fact... by writing this down, something that has helped me a lot in the past, I already take the first step to that.

Where to go from here?
Well, I cut off almost all connections to her immediately. It makes no sense to hang around her and keep talking with her while the wounds are still fresh. It will only take longer then for me to realise that no matter what I would say or do: "She's gone and does not want me back". So I cleaned our place. Removed her from a group I have and removed myself from a group she has.

I can't even help that a bitter smile creeps up about the irony of that. The group Mistress, or I should say ex-Mistress, made was called "Forever Free". By leaving that group I am indeed free. I don't know if it will be forever but right now I truly don't see me start something else with anyone and certainly not anymore online.

I told her that it turned out to be a waste of time. She was actually mad that I saw it like that. Well, there's two ways of looking at it.

• The one doing the dumping probably has enough to live for right here and now. She looks back at it and has fond memories about that period but is relieved now that it is over. For her it is not a waste of time. She already longer accepted the fact that it would never work and just looked for the right moment to tell. You could say that the healing process started already long ago.


• For the one being on the receiving end, the world collapses though. She was looking at a future with her loved one. Always wanting more and deeper love. For that one the past seems like a lot of work to get a future that will never be.

This is Mistress's reaction to what I posted a few months ago and to which the link is placed underneath. Even if I post it, It's Mistress's work so here it comes:

------------------------

smiles to begin with

It was a nice experiment. Although probably more for me than for Kylara. I was curious, but scared too about what would happen when we would change the roles. I needed some time off from my dominant side (yes, this happens once in a while). Kylara noticed it and that is how we came to it.

I have to say that I'm not an easy to handle sub. Meaning that my submissive feelings, although definitely there, are not deep enough for me to be able to submit for a longer time.

From my point of view we had a very nice time. And to be honest... Somehow I knew it wouldn't be for a very long time...
produces a second smile
...I know myself too good for that.

And yes, I was surprised about Kylara's reaction to my words and was worried about her. When she told me the day after that, I understood. I never expected her submission to be that deeply.

Read this entry and you know what I'm talking about.

ends with how she began by smiling

Minihai

Then there comes a day that you wait for your loved one and she's not there that evening. No big deal as it happens to me as well that for some reason (mostly a technical one) I am not able to get online. The next day you send an email to explain why, either from home or from work, and everything is ok again.

Daily routine went on the next day... I wrote my previous entry and emailed Miss about it. A bit disappointed that there was no mail during the day but looking forward to meet Miss again that evening. Well, that evening still no reaction and for the first time a hint of fear surfaced.

Weekend was coming and we often see each other then. Anxiously looking forward to meet her again the next day, without any luck. Also the next few days there was no reaction from Miss. By then I was ready to creep up the walls, basically crying myself to sleep every night because I could not come up with any logical explanation that would relieve me.

Thoughts alternated between: She's dead, in hospital or simply not interested in me anymore. Sure, that last option comes up as possibility, but I did not think it to be a legitimate one. So there were two options left that really didn't look appealing to me.

Then finally, almost a week after the last time I saw her, there was a message starting with: "Don't be worried, my heart". Yeah right! As if! Of course those words soothed some of my worries but just when I wanted to open the message, my daughter came in, in tears and without having had the chance to read anything yet. As a good mother there is no way to ignore that of course and after long and extensive hugging my baby (and tormenting myself by delaying to open Miss’ message by it), I finally opened it. My heart beating like crazy because even if I "should not be worried", try to take that out of you in a few minutes when you have been worried sick all week.

So from the three options I had in mind as possibilities, the worst was not true. But Miss in hospital was certainly not going to do it for me either. Yes, I was relieved when Miss told me that she was there without having a prior possibility to email me and without the person she asked to do so, actually doing it. Yes, I was relieved that whatever she had, was not life threatening at all but... worries were not entirely over of course. Still, that evening I went to bed relieved and light-hearted for the first time in almost a week.

It would still take more than a full week for her to recover entirely. A week in which I again did not get any notice but in which I certainly was not as nervous anymore as the first week. Also a week in which I had to make a decision about some of our shared belongings. In hindsight, that decision might not have been necessary. On the other hand, it's not as if I had a whole lot of choice either so I do not regret abandoning our land.

Then the night came that Miss was suddenly there again. Without me being there of course as I had some RL things to do and I did not get a prior notice that Miss would be there so I couldn't know... Murphy's Law worked well!

Then finally, after 16 days, Miss and I could wrap our virtual arms around each other once more. Something that did feel different than I thought it would. I was kinda numb that evening and not ready to truly rejoice already. Too much in my mind had happened to be able to just shove it aside and enjoy. Of course I was relieved and of course I loved to be in her arms once more but... dark clouds might blow over, they are not gone from one moment to the other.

Only the next few days I was able to shove the ominous feelings aside. The last of those fading now while writing this. Something I once in a while need to do as I'm better able to analyse my feelings when I write them down. Even while I write this, I have difficulties to hold my tears back, but now for the first time it's because of sheer happiness.

I don't think a conclusion to all of this is necessary after what I wrote down here...

Love,
Kyla

Long anticipated, always over too soon and yet on certain aspects too long.

Sure, I too look forward to my vacation and I too enjoy some time off from the daily routines. I love it when I can spend some relaxed time at home irl or be with Mistress. Now that last part is, how strange it might sound, what might not always be compatible with free time.

Mistress and I had a nice overlap in vacation this year, two theoretical weeks of online time together. But one long week of that was spend by Mistress not being able to come online where I had planned in that week to be at least partially offline myself too.

The first week of vacation we kind of promised to spend a lot of time together but it turned out completely different and we hardly saw each other that week. In an average working week we see each other a lot more. Then finally came Saturday, the day at which Mistress said: "I will see you in a week from now my girl. “I love you” and “be a good girl". Since I'm always a good girl, that shouldn't be a problem of course ;)

But after Miss logged off, it left me with a real feeling of being alone. I too had some nice days ahead of me and those days were wonderful. Still... missing the one you love so much is really hard. A few days off and away from SL is healthy enough but the last few of those I was truly looking forward to see my Love again.

Saturday evening, way earlier than anticipated, a very familiar name popped up. Yessssss, together again! Relieved being at my Love's side and quickly picking up where we left.

Conclusion: The two weeks of vacation I had this year were in total shorter than the week without Miss, even if that week was fully within those two weeks? Makes sense? I know... not to me either but it is how it felt anyway.

Love Kyla

... Is not always easy.

Even If Mistress and I understand each other well normally, once in a while the meaning of what is said is not translated as it should be because of the lack of body language and intonation. As a result, one of us reads something entirely different in a sentence than what is meant by the writer.

Normally this can be quite funny and leads to some misunderstandings and explaining to do. Other times we might not even notice it and both have a complete wrong picture in our minds but both are perfectly happy with it. There is also a last possibility though. This leads to misunderstanding and a big fight as a result.

A few days ago, we had something like that. I said something in a frustrated way because I was corrected for helping Mistress uninvited a few times in a row. My frustration was partially against Mistress perhaps but for 90% it was against myself that I could not draw the line when to act and when not (btw, it is a thin line here and sometimes hard to judge when to, or when not). So I responded: "I won't help you at all anymore, I have enough of being corrected for it".

Reading that sentence back now and knowing Mistress' way of receiving of it, I realise that I could have been clearer.
She received it as: Kyla is stubborn and sulking now and being a total bitch for not wishing to be corrected by me.
Where I meant it as: This is the third time in 2 days now. I will not help you anymore unless being asked.

Sure, I did not write what I meant, and yes, I was frustrated. Mistress was not in the mood to deal with, what must have looked in her eyes as, an uppity sub and the collision was there. I was ordered home and was even more frustrated because even if I understood that Mistress was mad for some reason. I did not understand about what really. We left with the promise to talk this over the day after that.

So a day later when Mistress came on, I had almost forgotten about it already because I did not think there to be a reason for Mistress to be mad. When I was asked if I thought it to be ok what I said the day before, I still had my meaning in mind and responded that I did not see anything wrong with it. Mistress was obviously still very upset and told me that there was no reason to talk it over then.

So now it was my turn to push Mistress in explaining what was wrong in her eyes. When she explained me her interpretation of what I wrote, I suddenly saw it too and understood it all too well. It took me more time to convince Mistress that I did not meant to send it like she received it.

Sure, my wording could have been better and I should not react frustrated but hey, I'm human too and I make mistakes. On the other hand, Mistress can know by now that I love her to pieces and that I will not deliberately hurt her feelings. So if she perceives that I do so anyway, she could have explained immediately how I made her feel. Then I would have been confronted with it directly and perhaps a few simple words from both sides would have cleared it all up.

Well, maybe not. Both of us can be headstrong at times and perhaps things like this are unavoidable in an environment where the written word is the only way of communication. Add to that, that we were in the middle of a fight when it happened (fighting game that is) where adrenaline makes both more agressive for a while and things are easily said wrong.. or perceived wrong.

One thing I personally learned from this is to try and control my frustration and try to see what it is that is wrong. And if I do not see it, ask in a polite way why someone is upset over what looks like a perfectly innocent text to me.

Like I said: I will try it. Just as I think Mistress will try next time to ask herself if perhaps I did not mean it as she received it.

Love,
Kyla

It's been way too long that I posted something in my diary so it's time. So here’s a new one and a useful one too for me.

A week ago, maybe two, Mistress and I agreed on an experiment at which we switched for a while. Mistress immediately told me it would be temporary. She just did not know till what time but was sure enough that there would sooner or later (probably sooner) be a moment that she wanted to take control back.

Well, nothing wrong with an experiment between two that trust each other so well. On the other hand, I warned her that once I was in the right dominant mood, I might not be able to immediately switch back easily. So I think we were both prepared for having to start over to a certain degree to get me back then to the level I was before this experiment. Boy, did things turn out different from what we both (or at least I) anticipated.

After a first relaxed few days, I slowly started to restrict my love more and more. Having fun in doing so and really loved the mood I was in. Mistress enjoyed it too and we had some nice scenes and power exchange. All was going well and I was sure that Mistress, even if she enjoyed her new role for a while, would soon get enough of it.

At a certain moment I said something in the heat of the moment that I should not have. Not even that bad but I found Mistress pulling herself back. I did not even notice at the beginning but when I did, I knew before she said something, what it was about. No problem, things like that happen and the other way around it happens sometimes too. You apologize, give each other a hug and then go on from where you were before it happened. This time was slightly different though...

When Mistress told me that she did not like what I had just said, a natural reaction might have been to go defensive, getting mad yourself at first, or simply acknowledging it and continue. Instead of one of those, I felt myself being pulled back from a very dominant to a super submissive mood. So fast and unexpected that I was totally confused and was not even able to hold my tears back.

Did I have difficulties in switching back? Was Mistress the one that would have enough of our experiment first? Neither of those! I was put back on my place with a few simple words and emotionally I was not prepared for that at all. I indicated Mistress that I was confused and crying. Regretfully it was just at a moment that she was about to leave. I reassured her that it was not bad and that she might even like it once I would tell her but that right now at that moment I was struggling with something.

The day after that, we talked about it and I told her what was "wrong" with me, that I could still feel the effects almost 24 hours later. The decision was made quickly so here I am, back where I belong at my Mistress's feet.

Does this mean the experiment failed? I don't think so. An experiment is to try out something from which you are not sure of the outcome. Now we know the outcome and also learned that I am conditioned deeper than we thought. Deep enough for me to make it almost impossible for me to dominate my Mistress for a longer time because I will be pulled back the first possible moment she ever speaks up to me. Sure, for one scene it can be fun at times, also for the future. But that is only a role we both play that we might enjoy at times. Truly switching is a whole different thing and I am simply not able to do so.

Love,
Kyla

A while back Miss made a new avatar. A few weeks later she presented her to me as: "This is something I want to have for me alone". As a result I have now three Mistresses because she is incorporated in our house and not for her alone anyway. What I remember of that time is that I wished I had seen her earlier than that (conclusion about this at the end?).

I decided to do the same and made a good looking avatar with which I ran around for a while when Miss was not there and taunted lots of predators as I was totally not catchable during all that time and all I did with it was run away from people. As soon as Miss came online, I simply logged then new avatar off and came on with my regular avatar(s).

One day though, just when I parked my regular avi somewhere and logged the new one in, I saw Miss just coming online and so logged off immediately again to be with her. She somehow landed right next to me though and saw the new avi coming on and off in a few seconds. Shortly after that, I knew she knew. Not a problem on itself because I planned on telling her anyway but I obviously waited too long with it.

So I decided to wait another week before I would tell her. Now Mistress is a real huntress with the patience of a cat so I should have known better... Only a few days later, suddenly she was close behind me and hunted me. First thing that went through my mind was: "Sh*t, Kyla... you idiot! Why didn't you tell Mistress before"? Then I ran for my life and of course escaped but knew all too well that my Love would recognise me anyway. So even if not caught in the flesh, still put under enough pressure to be caught a whole different way.

I knew I had to either drop the avi or to simply tell her. Since I do not wish to lie to her, telling her was the only option. So a day later, I did.

Why did I make another avatar? Well, after a while people know that you are too fast for them and they simply lose interest... So once in a while it's nice to make a new one and enjoy outrunning them again. Was there perhaps a slight feeling of "revenge" in it for Miss not telling me before about her other avatar? I'm not sure as I did not deliberately made the new one because of that. It's very well possible that there was something like that behind it too though. A mistake that I will not make again. I love her too much to put at risk.

Oh and.. right now we live in a small tent with three Mistress and three subs. Really time for us to expand to a full Sim? ;)

Love,
Kyla

Mistress is a bit more aggressive the last few days and she is determined to get me back in the right mindset to submit unconditionally to her. This causes two feelings in me:

• Resistance
  For a long time we have been very free with each other where the balance slowly shifted from being Mistress/sub to being friends. Not that it was ever gone of course but the reins were long enough to give us both more freedom to move outside our regular roles. Now this freedom is taken from me again and it automatically causes the feeling that I have to resist.
• Excitement
  Even if I feel resistance in me, I need to feel restrained and I actually love having less freedom in favour of Mistress's wishes.

This sounds crazy perhaps but these two battle in each other. Shortening the reins makes me very excited but I am likely to make mistakes during the process. Once the reins are shortened, that level is easy to maintain but of course Mistress will pull a little harder and it starts all over again till the next level is reached. Since I have been kept short in the past, I know it will not be a problem to get back to that level but it takes a little time to travel to it.

I don't think that this is anybody's mistake as we were contented for a while with me having more freedom. Sure, I should do my very best to be there again as fast as possible and of course I will make mistakes on my way there. Well, nothing some discipline can't fix as I already feel myself deliciously restricted again and look forward to being more restricted.

One of the things Mistress tried to introduce 2 days ago is way to restrict me more than I have ever before. I've always seen it as a silly way and never considered going that deep. Maybe the timing was not well when she tried to introduce me to something deeper while I was kept on a long leash at that time. Since then I have been reeled in though and yesterday in a very relaxed talk we agreed on trying it out despite what I said the day before that.

The step from relative freedom to tight restriction was perhaps too far to take all at once. After the thought settled in and a very good and productive evening yesterday I am ready for it though.

Will this mean that I won't make mistakes in my tight restriction? No way! I know I will resist once in a while when something happens that I am not ready for at that moment.

What does it mean then? Nothing more than that I'm willing to cooperate and give Mistress the chance to restrict my freedom again and more than in the past. That I will make mistakes again is beyond doubt. As long as Mistress is willing to correct me for it and be patient at times then I will get there and promise to do my very best to reach Mistress's target for me.

Love,
Kyla

The past few days I have been getting some strange mood swings. I'm not the only one on that as Mistress has it too at times. My problem is that she is better able to control them than I am. When I'm in a mood like that then there is almost nothing that I don't see something bad about too and of course have to comment on.

Once in a while Miss has a period in which she has a lot of energy, does all kind of impulsive things and needs to be very gently hold back a little. If not then before you know it you live in outer space, the bottom of the ocean, in a swamp, on the highest mountain, in a cave, in heaven or in hell or anything she comes up with.

OK... Of course this is much exaggerated but the general feeling of this is correct. Recently Miss wanted to hide our beautiful island in fog and storm clouds. Nothing wrong with that once in a while on a tropical island but, it would be good if you could turn it on and off or at least be able to have it only occasionally. That was regretfully not possible so the idea ended as fast as it started. What left was a slightly unsatisfied feeling on my side as I love to please Miss and make things how she likes them to be.

Miss simply has the urge to change things at times. The same feeling that I have too btw, even if I might be somewhat less impulsive in what I place. So I asked Miss if she would like to change things so we could incorporate what she wanted to. Miss agreed at first with me but when I suggested a few days later to actually follow up with it, she had second thoughts. She said it was because she loves the place and would not like it to be destroyed. My feeling is that it was also because she is afraid that I get tired of changing things.

I have to admit that I like our place and I have to get used to the idea of having to start over again. On the other hand... I built good looking places before and simply destroy them as easily as I build them up just because I feel like doing something new. Once I am used to the idea, my brain gets in overdrive with all kind of opportunities. Lots way too far fetched but lots of usable ideas too though. So when Miss stopped me after all, I was kind of disappointed as well as relieved.

I simply adjust to Miss's wishes but of course give my honest opinion. If she wants to have rain and fog on our isle then I think it looks bad in the present setup but would love to find a way to make it look good and build it for her.

Maybe to be continued?

Love,
Kyla

The past week was more relaxing than usual. Miss is often tired in the evenings and does not need a girl right now that is overly naughty and active.

So instead we have been shopping, once in a while been running around in our favourite sim and had a photo shoot that comprised two evenings of hopping from one pose to the other: One day at home and a second day in the photo studio. The photo shoot was meant as a surprise to Miss: A sort of official collection of photo's of the two of us that will always be a memory to all the good times we have had and hope to get in the future.

I've been in a somewhat nostalgic mood lately, longing for something that slowly seems to slip from my grip but that I can not lay my finger on what it is. Miss and I love each other as much as ever and I feel extremely comfortable in her arms or to hold her in mine. Maybe it is the reaction on a fairly turbulent period we had before this (see my previous entries). Add to that a very turbulent period for Miss' IRL and you have potential disaster. That we do not get that is because we are extremely cautious with each other, which shows to me we are always fighting and working on our relationship.

I spend less time online than in the past and plan more on the times Miss is there. That means less boredom when I'm online as I do not have to wait doing something to kill time. I even proposed Miss to go somewhere else together with me if she was bored of SL. I would give up SL then though as I do not wish to be active on more than one terrain. As long as I can be together with Miss, it is enough for me. Every evening again, I look forward to being with her (and then she calls me addictive ☺)

Ohhh I stopped my "job" in a sim we are often in. Therefore I think to have more time to write entries here: Entries that are always appreciated by Miss.

Love,
Kyla

Here a follow up to an entry I made earlier.

In that entry I described how much of a turn-on it is to me to be at Miss' mercy and came to the conclusion that it might be good to do other things once in a while. Things done together, without others disturbing us with it.

The last few weeks have been really lousy on that aspect. It seems as if we're always among others and therefore give each other less attention than before. That doesn't mean we love each other any less. That feeling never fades. But the longing to be at times just be together or if we are in public, to role-play together instead of with others, remains.

In general I have nice role-play in the sim we are in together. I'm not sure if Miss' has the same but in any case: What would be "nice" with the best role-players becomes "a total turn-on" if done together with Miss.

Sure, our time is less than before but we seem to waste a lot of time with less relevant things when we are together instead of concentrate on each other. The feeling I have with it is that from the 4 hours/day we spent before, we were 50% of the time only concentrating on each other. And from the 1.5 hours we are together these days, maybe half an hour is spent like that.

I can't help thinking that at times our priorities, when we are together, could be way better. If we go exploring then it is not necessary to spend half an hour dressing up and then come to the conclusion that the sim we are in is nearly empty so nobody sees us in the first place. This is a very recent example where we had a total of 90 minutes together where the first half hour was totally wasted.

This goes 2 ways and we should simply tell that to each other. At times Miss seems to have strange priorities in my eyes. At other times I have them in Miss' eyes. If the goal of the evening is to spend time role-playing then let's dress up and role-play. If the goal is to dance together then let's quickly find a place and go. If it is to spend time together looking at each others inventory then let's stand on the pose-stand and try.

In general: "Let's pick something to do... and DO it".

Love,
Kyla

A long time (too long) since I wrote something in my diary and I should really make up for that! Having said that... is there nothing to write about? Well sure, more than enough actually.

Miss and I are still going strong. Love is not fading at all and we're as frustrated as ever of not being able to see each other more and more. The shorter time we have together though, is filled up with enough fun so I will not be bored in a long time.

After some difficulties with Miss not always being able to plan her time right, it goes better now. We have an agreement now, that works well. Like this week... She has to work long hours so I simply login later too. Good to spend time with my daughter and Miss does not have to feel the need to hurry to get behind her PC after a hard day's work.

At times I'm being frustrated about waiting a long time for nothing. But even that has become better now by simply planning not too tight anymore and the agreement that if it takes longer, we will try to let the other know in a small email or quick login.

Longing for Miss is no less than before, even more perhaps. But... the times we are together are nice and sweet. Not too many deep discussions, no taking our frustrations out on each other. Like this, I can go on for a long time my Miss.

Love,
Kyla

Again Miss and I had a strong collision. The most severe one so far. This might be easily explained. At least I will try to do so later and I can only hope my conclusion is right.

Miss and I have agreements for me about how to behave in certain circumstances. Sometimes, when the impact is not too much, we will slightly stray away from that regime. Miss simply knows in general when I don't mind being gently forced a little bit beyond soft limits.

This time it was differently though. Nothing gentle, I was simply told to do as I was told even if it was fully against our agreements. I refused and in doing so made Miss furious at me. I felt anger rising quickly in myself and I simply kept refusing. Limits are limits and they are not to be touched without negotiation.

Miss' reaction was swift. She told me goodnight and left before I could even react. The day after that was spend in insecureness as Miss did not let anything be heard from her so it was obvious that she was still very angry with her girl.

Finally, in the evening Miss showed up and we had a long and tiresome talk. Miss basically did not want me anylonger as her sub because I had ignored a direct order. I on the other hand, was still mad that I was ordered to cross a limit. Had it been asked instead of ordered then I would have gladly done it.

Eventually we managed to come to a new agreement in this. As it is clear that I would have been prepared to step beyond my previous limit if it was brought gentlier, it turns out to be no true limit anymore. Therefore we have a new understanding now:

If I am ordered something then I can ask/tell Mistress in IM one time about my concerns. Miss will make a judgement based on that concern and decide if she wants to enforce the order anyway or not. This means basically that I do not have limits anymore for her as I agreed upfront to agree with anything if she insists.

Why is it that Miss became so mad at me about a relative simple thing? I have done way worse things in the past! My best guess is that Miss is no longer used to me being like that. I fought her all the time in the past. In the last 3 months I did not fight her even once. From my point of view I made a huge step since then. Now I fought her again and she exploded.

When I can make it 3 months without fighting her. And basically fought her this time only to make her feel that she can not break a limit, a limit that is not even a true limit because I agreed to drop that for her, then I should be able to finally slide down in total submission to her too.

It's scary, yes. From this moment on, I can only hope on Miss' mercy if I have a concern. If I fight her again then she has every reason to be angry at me. I trust Miss enough to let her decide how far she can take me though.

Love,
Kyla

In the place where Mistress and I love to play and be together, I am called various things alternating between: "nice", "bitchy", "that mad woman" etcetera. It all depends on who interacts with me and if they are able to see behind the roleplay-layer I have around me.

That layer is often not the nicest. I am not there to be the sweetest person out there and often I do things I would not even dream about doing elsewhere. But hey, it's roleplay and those who can't stand the heat should not stand too close to the fire.

Having said that, I come to a point where it is hard for me to roleplay that nasty person. At times, Mistress likes to run around as prey there simply for the fun of being chased. The roleplay part that comes with it is less desirable to her somehow as she is totally dominant. Good for her then that she is able to outrun most. Most of the time she is not able to outrun me though and basically, she only runs for me anyway.

So instead of releasing her right away, we decided to roleplay switching on each other there for a while. We have done so before in the past but this time I decided to push a bit further to see how far I could go. Well, I am able to be dominant also to her if needed.

Thing is... I totally don't enjoy it because it feels not natural with Miss. She is simply not submitting to what is said and done and I hurt myself with every next move I make. Not that I won't make them. I'm stubborn enough to follow up all the way till the end if needed but enjoying it is another thing.

So we decided to turn things around quickly again and I was at her feet once more: Unable to speak, unable to move, stripped from my top, people making fun of me that normally stay well away from me and...

Totally turned on by it.

Maybe "mad woman" is the title I deserve most?

Love,
Kyla

Yesssss! Our dungeon, long time not used in any way, got some sort of re-introduction.

But... Let's start at the beginning!

Miss teased me yesterday in an evil way by provoking me with her charms while her girl was all dressed up. Of course that girl was stubborn enough not to let herself be provoked but then a little chase followed, first me chasing Miss, then the other way around. I bet if there would have been people around, they would have been standing there with their jaws dropping as we chased over the whole island and we were totally differently dressed to say the least.

Of course Miss was too slow for her girl and decided that flying might help her big time to catch her. Well, that trick is known by her girl too so I flew up high in the air. Soon a familiar shape came up there and I couldn't resist entering our dungeon. After a short IM with Mistress she was tp-ed in and teasing ended.

Well, erhm ended... Five minutes later I was strapped naked in an uncomfortable position to the wall and left there for a while. When Miss returned, my arms were totally numb and blood not flowing freely anymore. Repositioning me to the wall rack only caused great discomfort as blood started flowing in my arms again and you don't know how to position yourself how to get away from the excruciating pain.

What followed is none of the business of you accidental bypassers of my diary. Let's suffice to say that it was scary, painful, exciting and helpless for me. Mistress made sure her girl had absolutely no control over herself at all. It was a total turn on! Afterwards we rested in each other's arms and felt very comfortable with each other about our scene. Gee, I can still feel my submission raging through me.

I talked about it with Miss in the past that we could just as well give up on the dungeon as we never used it anymore anyway. Since we are living in our tent it has not been used as I took the lift to the dungeon off and never placed it back. Somehow we didn't miss it as it is clear enough between Miss and I how we stand towards each other. On the other hand... After this scene I'm already looking forward to he next time and I will make sure the ride up to the dungeon will be placed very visible this time!

Miss and I are so often together doing all kinda things and are such a close friends that there is simply no time to truly miss something. The most important to us is that we enjoy spending time together in whatever way possible. After a scene like yesterday I wonder though if we should sometimes just take time to do something different than we do usually. I can only say that I totally loved this. Does it mean I want this on a daily base? Certainly not! Waiting for something like this is as much fun as actually doing it. But maybe we can do it just a bit more often than we have done in the past.

Love,
Kyla

It's been a while that I wrote in my diary and it's really time to do so again as there are enough things happening lately.

Miss and I are still going strong. I'm hardly ever corrected these days and don't try to push her to do so. In general it is simply bliss to be hers and I'm sure she feels the same about me. Lately we have been spending more and more time together and that's what I want to talk about.

My online time is easier to manage as Mistress's for not having a RL partner. Mistress tries what she can to spend as much time with me as possible. Something I truly love and up to this point took as much as I could. Lately I notice Mistress having problems though with her priorities when it comes to SL compared to RL.

Miss spends almost more time with me than with her own family. If not being able to make an appointment with me because of RL then that RL suffers under it. Addiction? Perhaps! More likely is it that the love she feels for me is simply so much she is blinded by it to a degree (as I am too BTW... this goes two ways).

BUT... If you have a family IRL then it should never suffer for SL. Sure, spend time with me but do not forget the other side. If there truly would have to be made a choice between RL and SL then RL should win.

I realise that by writing this down here, I basically tell Miss to push me aside a bit. On the other hand... If she won't do it then eventually I might lose her altogether when her RL partner forces her to make a choice. And to be honest, he has oldest rights and would stand in his full right if he did.

I love Mistress totally but as long as there is a RL relationship for her, I have no right to demand and maybe even not the right to take all the time she offers me (that will be hard for me not to do). I'm not telling Mistress what to do or not here. Just asking her to be careful so we will not lose each other.

Love,
Kyla

At times one can get upset about things that happen to you that you can not do anything about. It makes no sense to be upset about something you can't change anyway but as well Mistress as I are no strangers to the fact that it sometimes happens to us.

A few days ago, we were looking for new hair for me as by now half the place we play in had the same hair as I started wearing half a year ago. You would think they would be more original and go look for themselves instead of trying to copy someone. Ahhhh well, these things happen so I had to find something new.

A thing that changed lately in SL is that objects you wear, are these days often sold with a script inside to makes it "easier" to make them fit. This means that you can scale the entire object up or down in steps of 1%, 5%, or 10%. Also there is an option to scale, rotate and move single prims of the object that way. So you basically are taken through a menu now and forced to move things around in extremely small amounts what could have been done a hundred times faster in the editor than like that.

So far, nothing wrong with it as a lot of people have difficulties adjusting it with the standard tools. Most I know can do it very well though and way faster in the editor instead of scripted. Still nothing wrong as long as you have the choice of doing it by hand or by the menu.

Here is where things get messy. Designers have a new tool implemented in their items and whether you want to or not: THIS is the way you can adjust things and NO other way allowed anymore. Meaning that what someone, who is capable of editing manually, can do in 10 minutes, can now not even be done in 10 hours anymore.

As you can tell, by even writing this I get upset again by those idiotic designers. OK, I will count to 10 now and continue with the point of it all...

When trying out some hair with Miss, she made a remark that certain pieces of it, she did not like. Well, I know how the new tool works so: Let's adjust it then to see how it looks. Well, after like 200 mouseclicks I was perhaps 5% further in how I wanted things to look and since it is not worth getting RSI because you want to adjust a single prim, I cursed frustrated about the idiotic designers and announced I would never take that hair.

That's where Mistress came in and calmed me down:
Miss: Shhh Sunshine, calm down. We go just look somewhere else for hair.
Kyla: Yes but I really like this hair.
Miss: Then you should take the time to adjust it girl. This is the way it works. If you don't like it, complain with the ones who sell it.
Kyla: Sighs but simply takes the first option. To go somewhere else.

I know that this is the best way as when you really contact the seller either one of two things will probably happen:

• They will not reply at all by it. After all, this is new and in their limited view, it's the 8th wonder of the world. So customers should not complain.
• You will get a reply explaining how very good this is for a big group of people and you are the only one complaining (right, because most more experienced people simply don't buy there then anymore).
  

Sometimes something can happen that will make it necessary to forget for a while that I am Mistress's girl and and instead focus on simply being there for her in another way.

Yesterday such a moment arrived when Miss told me she lost a dear friend of her. I did not care at that moment for the proper decorum and me being her girl. That can wait till later! Instead I felt Miss needed two arms and for her girl to show that she is much more than only her girl. I felt I had to step forward and present me as Miss' wife but most of all as another dear friend.

Miss was really upset with what happened (who wouldn't). Yesterday and the coming days, just as long as is necessary and comfortable for Miss, I will simply be there for her to talk to, cuddle her and in general... be there for her as she is always there for me.

It feels not strange at all to step out of my role and be the "strong" one for the time being. Miss will, when she is ready, without any doubt let me know that I am to be at her feet again and ready to serve her once more as we both feel is right. Just not right now...

I will always be there for You Miss.

Love,
Kyla

Of course the day after my previous entry, in the evening we had our final talk about what happened. It's not as if we both did not see each other's views the day before. We really did.

Thing is... Miss was just angry and I was disappointed about what happened. I know now better than to pull a stunt like that again and Mistress will never have to be angry at her girl anymore for that reason.

The public whipping was taken off as a reward for the fact that I finally managed to do something that I did not manage to do before but what may be expected from a submissive: Swallow my pride and beg for forgiveness, even if I was not convinced at all that I had made a mistake.

A while back, I wrote that I felt something shifting inside me. Better understanding what being submissive is about. Since that time, we have had less (none?) true collisions anymore. And even if I made a mistake here and Mistress was angry at me for that reason, there was not a collision this time either as I immediately went to her and asked for forgiveness.

Last entry, I wrote that I was upset about it. Well, I was! It is scary and somewhat degrading to have to lower yourself even if you think you are right. When I look back at it now though, I'm all giddy about it. I managed to be that what I truly feel I want to be. Even if it was hard, it felt exactly right somehow. I am Mistress's girl and was put in my place as such. A big turn-on!

So we had our talk. Miss was sweet and caring; we both acknowledged that we could understand each other's views on it at that moment and most of all: We increased our positions towards each other.

I melted in her arms this time. Somehow, each time when something like this happens, it seems as if our relation deepens. We come out stronger and stronger and we totally belong together. As I said in a joke afterwards: "Miss as captain and her girl steering in all the wrong directions".

Looking totally forward to be at her feet again tonight...

Love,
Kyla

Yesterday it was me who made the proposition to go shopping with Miss. Now it's not a difficult thing to get her that far of course. Her shopping skills are almost legendary and she loves to show them off. Yet, yesterday I was able to surprise her.

After Miss had her cup of coffee, we went to see some shops. First one that Miss knew already (of course). I went there because I knew they had miniskirts and somehow Miss put it in her head that they would look good on me. Besides that, they had swimwear too and Miss wanted to buy some.

Miss found her swimsuit and we both bought a miniskirt. Of course Miss and I agreed for the skimpiest skirt possible for me. Secretly I believe she simply likes it when her girl is exposed. Less of a secret is that I like it myself *blushes*.

Then we found another shop with swimwear as I wanted to have some too. Regretfully this shop was better build than filled. The place was built at sea with a cavity underneath that could be used as a cuddle corner, but looked awfully dangerous to my eyes. The shop itself had nothing that interested me and soon we were heading for the next shop.

This one was more to both our liking. The better kind of clothing, yes but the more expensive one too. Decadent? Naaahhh, the girl at the entrance had way bigger diamonds than we (damn... have to see if we can change that). Anyway... I found an outfit for Miss but we were not sure about the colour. I thought off-white would look good while Miss always tends to go for black. We didn't buy it yet as we agreed to look on further first. But now I have to return there tonight to get them both so we can see who was right.

In the next room Miss found a sundress that she thought was "wow". Thing is... she wanted it for herself but I thought it to be more of the softer clothing fitted for a sub maybe more than for a Mistress. Eventually Miss agreed and told me to buy it for myself. Yes, it does look good on me and we were both happy with the outcome.

Time to go home, cuddle and say bye. Tonight I will see her again!

Love,
Kyla

Well thanks for that info but what is it exactly you did then?

Saturday, November the 29th, Miss and I declared ourselves wife and wife. Since we know each other for well over a year and I am hers for almost half a year now, it's not as if we were rushing into things on this.

A month of planning, a lot of work in the last few days (what else as we both love to run around in KoS way too much) and then finally the first guests arriving.

Nervous? You bet! Strange that you can be nervous about something like that. When you look forward at it and just use your brain then it is nothing more than a fun time with mostly mutual friends and the two of us making some promises to each other.

Then why nervous?
Because to me, and I know to Miss too, it was more than just a party with a small detour. We both take this commitment very seriously and did not go lightly in this as we both had relations in the past breaking up fairly quickly. Sure, we already were committed to each other but it does feel different anyway.

We had an Arabian theme in mind for this evening. More for practical reasons than anything else, because we have our land build up in an Egyptian setting. We even live in a Bedouin tent (with all luxury possible of course) and our dance floor is part of the environment.

The guests were promptly arriving at 21:00 local time and we waited till 21:30 before we assumed this was it and gently directed people to the dance floor. Miss asked asked our guests to give us a few moments to look each other in the eyes and make our vows.

It was a short but very intimate ceremony. I remember me melting when I heard Miss's words. I was afraid that after that, I would have difficulties finding my own and I would look like a complete fool, stuttering and stammering and looking silly in general. Eventually I did not have any difficulties with it and Miss even IM-ed me to speed up because she was now the one being nervous and couldn't wait for me to finish. Of course I did not listen to her this time as it were my vows after all (I know Miss did not mind it anyway despite her nervousness).

When Miss told me I should get an email soon, I knew exactly what she meant. Faster than she might have imagined I checked it and found there exactly what I knew would be there:

Dear Kylara Kuhn,
You have received a Second Life partner proposal from
minihai Ames. Please visit the link below to view the proposal.

19:30...
Kyla: Welcome back Miss, i love You
Miss: Thank you sunshine, I love you too
Miss: I think I will make myself some coffee first (just kidding)
Kyla giggles
Miss: I want to go and explore a nice sim I visited yesterday when you were not there.
Kyla gulps as she knows by now what Miss' ideas of nice sims can be.

As expected, we end up in a sim with all kinds of wicked bondage devices. Even if I pretended to be afraid. In reality it is a turn on when Miss takes me there. Soon Miss sees a device that draws her attention.

20:00...
Miss: take place dear, I will fetch myself a cup of coffee in the meantime.
Kyla trembles slightly as she eyes the device, wondering what it does and how Miss will perhaps tie her up.

After some fun play (yes, that can be harsh too), we decide to explore a little further. Playful as I am, I see another device that catches my attention. Without even asking I jump up on it and before I know it, blood is gushing from my belly as a large hook is driven through me. Strangely enough, I keep struggling instead of dying (don't you just love SL?).

20:45...
Miss: Kyla, get off of that thing, I don't want to see something like that. It's disgusting
Kyla: But, it's just a funny thing, even if a little morbid.
Miss: If you want to keep hanging there, go ahead. I'm gone.
Kyla: Wait for me Miss, I'm coming with You.
Miss: Don't ever do that again!

Even if it was meant as fun and Miss herself can be quite harsh on her girl herself sometimes, seeing me like that obviously triggers something inside her. I might make fun of it but reality is that I love her feelings behind it. I apologize again and promise her not to do it again..... today.

Time to prepare for the last part of the evening. Either we spend it at home or once in a while we go and dance in one of our favourite places. This evening we decide to dance and soon we're talking relaxed while we do so.

Somehow this moment of the day is as well the sweetest as the saddest. We know we will be separated again soon. But it is always in a perfectly relaxed way and a promise of tomorrow.

We never part in anger and even if we might not agree with each other sometimes, this is not the moment to discuss it further. Instead we respect and love each other way too much for that and forget what might be brought up again tomorrow. Sleeping over it, often smooths everything so that tomorrow we don't even remember what was so important to us today.

21:30...
Miss: Time to go sleep love, I'm tired. We will meet tomorrow?
Kyla: I will be there Miss, sleep well and see You then
Miss waves
Kyla blows You a sweet kiss

Then a slightly empty feeling remains after we both left. A feeling of not being complete without her.

This concludes just an average day. It was fun writing it.

Love,
Kyla

1. I can tie her up;
   In theory that would be possible but I'm not quite ready to have my butt striped because I tried.


2. Let Miss prepare her cup of coffee and use the time to make myself useful as well.
   This option works best for me somehow ;)

In the past I have been posting often after something bad happened or at least something important. Now It might look like that we fight all the time. This is far from the truth and therefore now an entry on a way lighter note.

The following is not necessarily an actual morning but could have been. It describes how we might spend our time at any given day that we are free together.

9:25...
Kyla: Good morning Miss
Miss: Good morning sunshine
Kyla: You are awake early today, I have been up only 4 hours myself.
Miss: I will be back in a few minutes, I need coffee first.

Kisses and cuddles will follow, we ask how we spent the night (with every dirty detail of course ;) and then decide what we will do the rest of the day. First we decide to go shopping for clothes...

10:30...
Kyla: No, i think those other silks are still better.
Miss sighs but then suddenly beams: "Hey there's a skin shop here too!"
Kyla growls and looks angrily at Miss
Miss giggles and pulls her girl in for a loving kiss.
Kyla purrs softly as she sensually lingers her lips on Miss's
Miss: brb, I need some coffee.

Miss is shortly afk again and I take the time to make a small nature break myself. Miss likes my honest opinion about clothing and about anything we go shopping for really (she is a real skin addict). Of course she is at times disappointed when I have a different view on things but that is even part of the fun for both.

Sometimes we go and don't buy anything at all but still have fun in trying to find the best things and tell each other why or why not for a specific item. Suppose we come home with some demo skins from somewhere. Then the next might happen:

12:30...
Miss: Do you like this one?
Kyla: Waiting for it to be loaded
Miss: Sure sunshine, your connection is always so bad
Kyla sticks her tongue out at You
Miss just looks at you
Kyla lowers her eyes and whispers softly "I'm sorry Miss"
Miss: be careful now my girl
Kyla: Yes Miss

then

Kyla: Oh Yes! I like this skin but still think Your old skin is better
Miss: Yes, you always want me to walk in old skins.
Kyla bites her tongue as to prevent herself from giving an answer that would really get her into problems
Miss: Love, it's time for lunch. I will be back in a while
Kyla: Then i will go and play some in KoS if that's OK?

It might look disrespectful by sticking out my tongue like that. It's more of a game we both play though. Miss allows me to do things like that but sometimes thinks it to be enough. And even then she is not really mad but will simply tell me to stop. Of course it might be a good reason for some more wicked fun later too of course. But this time it ended all kind and sweet.

We separate after some sweet kisses and promise to see each other in maybe an hour from now.

This is something that might happen on any given morning. Will be continued with: "And now a less lazy afternoon"

Love,
Kyla

It happened again... Uppity me making the same mistake and colliding with Mistress on it. She obviously had enough of it this time and decided for a punishment that would truly touch me.

And touching me it did. Even if the actual punishment never took place. Mistress basically wanted me to find someone else to serve for 24 hours and to whom I should be totally compliant.

I was stunned! Then again, what should I have expected then? Mistress might be caring and loving, she's not a fool. No, that "honour" was totally mine.

After feeling lonely, scared and totally intimidated by just the thought for more than an hour, I only saw one way out and that was to make myself as small as possible and humbly beg for Mistress to show her girl mercy.

It was given even if not deserved and didn't feel like an accomplishment really. No glorious feelings that I managed to get away from my punishment. Instead I felt myself more humbled by and submissive towards Mistress than ever before. I challenged her, she called my bluff and challenged me in return. I surely did not know how to counter that anymore.

It kept haunting me till the next moment I saw her and I felt something inside me shifting, more understanding to what being submissive is. It scares the hell out of me and yet, I know this is what I was searching for. This is what I feel I need to explore deeper.

It's almost 2 days ago this happened and here I am. Still feeling the same and still in a mindset that I have not experienced before. Feeling as if my pleasure is not as important anymore. Or more accurately... feeling that I can have my pleasure just from a praise of Mistress, a soft touch. by being pleasing in return.

Of course I know I will make mistakes again. Somehow I think this time I learned more than previous times though. I feel that this time the realisation of my position and what I'm actually craving for kicked in way deeper than ever before.

Love,
Kyla

1. We go on like this and I keep seriously trying;
   This first option sounds the easiest. But it might just be waiting for the next clash between us then?
2. We go on as equals;
   This requires you to take a step back and me to do another step forwards. It is a valid option but brings a whole array of problems with it too.
3. You have enough of me and don't want to have me at all any longer;
   I totally do not believe this and is from my side not a serious option.
4. We go on but you accept that I will not be able to truly submit all the time.
   The fourth sounds the most convenient but it requires you to take a step back with nothing from me in return. Basically you will have to admit and allow me then to top from the bottom. If I were in your shoes right now then I might not be able to do that.