Kyla's Diary

Again Miss and I had a strong collision. The most severe one so far. This might be easily explained. At least I will try to do so later and I can only hope my conclusion is right.

Miss and I have agreements for me about how to behave in certain circumstances. Sometimes, when the impact is not too much, we will slightly stray away from that regime. Miss simply knows in general when I don't mind being gently forced a little bit beyond soft limits.

This time it was differently though. Nothing gentle, I was simply told to do as I was told even if it was fully against our agreements. I refused and in doing so made Miss furious at me. I felt anger rising quickly in myself and I simply kept refusing. Limits are limits and they are not to be touched without negotiation.

Miss' reaction was swift. She told me goodnight and left before I could even react. The day after that was spend in insecureness as Miss did not let anything be heard from her so it was obvious that she was still very angry with her girl.

Finally, in the evening Miss showed up and we had a long and tiresome talk. Miss basically did not want me anylonger as her sub because I had ignored a direct order. I on the other hand, was still mad that I was ordered to cross a limit. Had it been asked instead of ordered then I would have gladly done it.

Eventually we managed to come to a new agreement in this. As it is clear that I would have been prepared to step beyond my previous limit if it was brought gentlier, it turns out to be no true limit anymore. Therefore we have a new understanding now:

If I am ordered something then I can ask/tell Mistress in IM one time about my concerns. Miss will make a judgement based on that concern and decide if she wants to enforce the order anyway or not. This means basically that I do not have limits anymore for her as I agreed upfront to agree with anything if she insists.

Why is it that Miss became so mad at me about a relative simple thing? I have done way worse things in the past! My best guess is that Miss is no longer used to me being like that. I fought her all the time in the past. In the last 3 months I did not fight her even once. From my point of view I made a huge step since then. Now I fought her again and she exploded.

When I can make it 3 months without fighting her. And basically fought her this time only to make her feel that she can not break a limit, a limit that is not even a true limit because I agreed to drop that for her, then I should be able to finally slide down in total submission to her too.

It's scary, yes. From this moment on, I can only hope on Miss' mercy if I have a concern. If I fight her again then she has every reason to be angry at me. I trust Miss enough to let her decide how far she can take me though.

Love,
Kyla