...Not exactly the way one likes to be though.
Yesterday evening something happened that I felt coming for a while already but tried to ignore desperately: Mistress has enough of me and dumped me.
Of course with the nicest of words and with the hope we can stay friends. Yes right! It's not that a dumped person would not like to stay friends with someone but... try to be friendly to one that is special to you but you obviously not anymore to her. Well, I will honestly try but experiences from the past tell me that it will be hard.
Right now frustration, anger, a deep feeling of loneliness and of course the love I still have for her are all I can feel. The coming weeks will be hard and I know I will walk around as a zombie. After all... The only one that ever truly was able to touch my heart is not there for me anymore.
After those few weeks I will slowly start to look for glue. There's nobody that will help me to heal a broken heart so there's only one that has the power to do so and that's me. As a matter of fact... by writing this down, something that has helped me a lot in the past, I already take the first step to that.
Where to go from here?
Well, I cut off almost all connections to her immediately. It makes no sense to hang around her and keep talking with her while the wounds are still fresh. It will only take longer then for me to realise that no matter what I would say or do: "She's gone and does not want me back". So I cleaned our place. Removed her from a group I have and removed myself from a group she has.
I can't even help that a bitter smile creeps up about the irony of that. The group Mistress, or I should say ex-Mistress, made was called "Forever Free". By leaving that group I am indeed free. I don't know if it will be forever but right now I truly don't see me start something else with anyone and certainly not anymore online.
I told her that it turned out to be a waste of time. She was actually mad that I saw it like that. Well, there's two ways of looking at it.
- The one doing the dumping probably has enough to live for right here and now. She looks back at it and has fond memories about that period but is relieved now that it is over. For her it is not a waste of time. She already longer accepted the fact that it would never work and just looked for the right moment to tell. You could say that the healing process started already long ago.
- For the one being on the receiving end, the world collapses though. She was looking at a future with her loved one. Always wanting more and deeper love. For that one the past seems like a lot of work to get a future that will never be.
Well yes, there will be but... Those memories will come well after I am healed again. Healing myself means that I have to put up a wall around myself to protect me from more harm that I can for sure not use right now.
So when I am ready to break that wall down again, the question is: What feelings will be left? Enough for me to contact her once in a while to say hi? Or will they simply fade to a level that I will be indifferent? I would like to say that I am able to keep feeling friendship for her. Reality might be that as long as I have any feelings for her, they will be unanswered love instead.
Right now I feel a bit better by writing this away from me. If I read this text in one week from now I know that by that time I will have accepted it not only with my mind but also with my heart. That does not mean that heart will be healed then but being able to accept the feelings instead of only your mind telling you that what happened is true is the first real step to getting back to my feet.
And getting back to my feet I will. Nobody can keep me down forever. When you're with your back to the wall you can do two things. Give up and sink to your knees or use the wall to push yourself forwards again. Right now I'm against that wall but the time will soon come that I use that butt of mine to give myself a firm push forwards.
I know... a whole different kind of entry than usual and it doesn't interest anybody anyway. And there's no need to as this is not meant for bypassers (even if they are welcome to read it). No, this is meant for ME.
Love,
Kyla
This is Mistress's reaction to what I posted a few months ago and to which the link is placed underneath. Even if I post it, It's Mistress's work so here it comes:
------------------------
smiles to begin with
It was a nice experiment. Although probably more for me than for Kylara. I was curious, but scared too about what would happen when we would change the roles. I needed some time off from my dominant side (yes, this happens once in a while). Kylara noticed it and that is how we came to it.
I have to say that I'm not an easy to handle sub. Meaning that my submissive feelings, although definitely there, are not deep enough for me to be able to submit for a longer time.
From my point of view we had a very nice time. And to be honest... Somehow I knew it wouldn't be for a very long time...
produces a second smile
...I know myself too good for that.
And yes, I was surprised about Kylara's reaction to my words and was worried about her. When she told me the day after that, I understood. I never expected her submission to be that deeply.
Read this entry and you know what I'm talking about.
ends with how she began by smiling
Minihai
