... Is not always easy.
Even If Mistress and I understand each other well normally, once in a while the meaning of what is said is not translated as it should be because of the lack of body language and intonation. As a result, one of us reads something entirely different in a sentence than what is meant by the writer.
Normally this can be quite funny and leads to some misunderstandings and explaining to do. Other times we might not even notice it and both have a complete wrong picture in our minds but both are perfectly happy with it. There is also a last possibility though. This leads to misunderstanding and a big fight as a result.
A few days ago, we had something like that. I said something in a frustrated way because I was corrected for helping Mistress uninvited a few times in a row. My frustration was partially against Mistress perhaps but for 90% it was against myself that I could not draw the line when to act and when not (btw, it is a thin line here and sometimes hard to judge when to, or when not). So I responded: "I won't help you at all anymore, I have enough of being corrected for it".
Reading that sentence back now and knowing Mistress' way of receiving of it, I realise that I could have been clearer.
She received it as: Kyla is stubborn and sulking now and being a total bitch for not wishing to be corrected by me.
Where I meant it as: This is the third time in 2 days now. I will not help you anymore unless being asked.
Sure, I did not write what I meant, and yes, I was frustrated. Mistress was not in the mood to deal with, what must have looked in her eyes as, an uppity sub and the collision was there. I was ordered home and was even more frustrated because even if I understood that Mistress was mad for some reason. I did not understand about what really. We left with the promise to talk this over the day after that.
So a day later when Mistress came on, I had almost forgotten about it already because I did not think there to be a reason for Mistress to be mad. When I was asked if I thought it to be ok what I said the day before, I still had my meaning in mind and responded that I did not see anything wrong with it. Mistress was obviously still very upset and told me that there was no reason to talk it over then.
So now it was my turn to push Mistress in explaining what was wrong in her eyes. When she explained me her interpretation of what I wrote, I suddenly saw it too and understood it all too well. It took me more time to convince Mistress that I did not meant to send it like she received it.
Sure, my wording could have been better and I should not react frustrated but hey, I'm human too and I make mistakes. On the other hand, Mistress can know by now that I love her to pieces and that I will not deliberately hurt her feelings. So if she perceives that I do so anyway, she could have explained immediately how I made her feel. Then I would have been confronted with it directly and perhaps a few simple words from both sides would have cleared it all up.
Well, maybe not. Both of us can be headstrong at times and perhaps things like this are unavoidable in an environment where the written word is the only way of communication. Add to that, that we were in the middle of a fight when it happened (fighting game that is) where adrenaline makes both more agressive for a while and things are easily said wrong.. or perceived wrong.
One thing I personally learned from this is to try and control my frustration and try to see what it is that is wrong. And if I do not see it, ask in a polite way why someone is upset over what looks like a perfectly innocent text to me.
Like I said: I will try it. Just as I think Mistress will try next time to ask herself if perhaps I did not mean it as she received it.
Love,
Kyla
It's been way too long that I posted something in my diary so it's time. So here’s a new one and a useful one too for me.
A week ago, maybe two, Mistress and I agreed on an experiment at which we switched for a while. Mistress immediately told me it would be temporary. She just did not know till what time but was sure enough that there would sooner or later (probably sooner) be a moment that she wanted to take control back.
Well, nothing wrong with an experiment between two that trust each other so well. On the other hand, I warned her that once I was in the right dominant mood, I might not be able to immediately switch back easily. So I think we were both prepared for having to start over to a certain degree to get me back then to the level I was before this experiment. Boy, did things turn out different from what we both (or at least I) anticipated.
After a first relaxed few days, I slowly started to restrict my love more and more. Having fun in doing so and really loved the mood I was in. Mistress enjoyed it too and we had some nice scenes and power exchange. All was going well and I was sure that Mistress, even if she enjoyed her new role for a while, would soon get enough of it.
At a certain moment I said something in the heat of the moment that I should not have. Not even that bad but I found Mistress pulling herself back. I did not even notice at the beginning but when I did, I knew before she said something, what it was about. No problem, things like that happen and the other way around it happens sometimes too. You apologize, give each other a hug and then go on from where you were before it happened. This time was slightly different though...
When Mistress told me that she did not like what I had just said, a natural reaction might have been to go defensive, getting mad yourself at first, or simply acknowledging it and continue. Instead of one of those, I felt myself being pulled back from a very dominant to a super submissive mood. So fast and unexpected that I was totally confused and was not even able to hold my tears back.
Did I have difficulties in switching back? Was Mistress the one that would have enough of our experiment first? Neither of those! I was put back on my place with a few simple words and emotionally I was not prepared for that at all. I indicated Mistress that I was confused and crying. Regretfully it was just at a moment that she was about to leave. I reassured her that it was not bad and that she might even like it once I would tell her but that right now at that moment I was struggling with something.
The day after that, we talked about it and I told her what was "wrong" with me, that I could still feel the effects almost 24 hours later. The decision was made quickly so here I am, back where I belong at my Mistress's feet.
Does this mean the experiment failed? I don't think so. An experiment is to try out something from which you are not sure of the outcome. Now we know the outcome and also learned that I am conditioned deeper than we thought. Deep enough for me to make it almost impossible for me to dominate my Mistress for a longer time because I will be pulled back the first possible moment she ever speaks up to me. Sure, for one scene it can be fun at times, also for the future. But that is only a role we both play that we might enjoy at times. Truly switching is a whole different thing and I am simply not able to do so.
Love,
Kyla
