Mistress is a bit more aggressive the last few days and she is determined to get me back in the right mindset to submit unconditionally to her. This causes two feelings in me:
- Resistance
For a long time we have been very free with each other where the balance slowly shifted from being Mistress/sub to being friends. Not that it was ever gone of course but the reins were long enough to give us both more freedom to move outside our regular roles. Now this freedom is taken from me again and it automatically causes the feeling that I have to resist. - Excitement
Even if I feel resistance in me, I need to feel restrained and I actually love having less freedom in favour of Mistress's wishes.
This sounds crazy perhaps but these two battle in each other. Shortening the reins makes me very excited but I am likely to make mistakes during the process. Once the reins are shortened, that level is easy to maintain but of course Mistress will pull a little harder and it starts all over again till the next level is reached. Since I have been kept short in the past, I know it will not be a problem to get back to that level but it takes a little time to travel to it.
I don't think that this is anybody's mistake as we were contented for a while with me having more freedom. Sure, I should do my very best to be there again as fast as possible and of course I will make mistakes on my way there. Well, nothing some discipline can't fix as I already feel myself deliciously restricted again and look forward to being more restricted.
One of the things Mistress tried to introduce 2 days ago is way to restrict me more than I have ever before. I've always seen it as a silly way and never considered going that deep. Maybe the timing was not well when she tried to introduce me to something deeper while I was kept on a long leash at that time. Since then I have been reeled in though and yesterday in a very relaxed talk we agreed on trying it out despite what I said the day before that.
The step from relative freedom to tight restriction was perhaps too far to take all at once. After the thought settled in and a very good and productive evening yesterday I am ready for it though.
Will this mean that I won't make mistakes in my tight restriction? No way! I know I will resist once in a while when something happens that I am not ready for at that moment.
What does it mean then? Nothing more than that I'm willing to cooperate and give Mistress the chance to restrict my freedom again and more than in the past. That I will make mistakes again is beyond doubt. As long as Mistress is willing to correct me for it and be patient at times then I will get there and promise to do my very best to reach Mistress's target for me.
Love,
Kyla
The past few days I have been getting some strange mood swings. I'm not the only one on that as Mistress has it too at times. My problem is that she is better able to control them than I am. When I'm in a mood like that then there is almost nothing that I don't see something bad about too and of course have to comment on.
1. I can not win;
2. Upsets Miss;
3. Upsets myself.
Yesterday was another of those days. One thing was not good, the next was bad and the one after that didn't suit me. Mistress did everything right and simply stopped the discussion about it. Leaving me standing at a place that was "bad" and left for home, basically giving me the choice to follow or to do whatever else I wanted to.
When we finally had talked it over, I was showed something else and of course had to make my comments on it. I was asked why I reacted how I did and immediately recognised my error, apologizing and cursing in myself what on earth was wrong with me.
The punishment came in the form of good role-play from both sides but with a serious meaning behind it all. This was not meant only as role-play but as a warning to stop my behaviour too. The message was brought home and I felt something that has not been there for a while: Mistress's power over her girl. Something I obviously needed, even though I did not deliberately do or say those things to get that punishment.
When I'm like this, I obviously have something over me that is stronger than me. Maybe it would help to be simply told: "Kyla, remember last time when you were like this? You're doing it again".
I looked back at the very first entry I ever made in my diary and see a lot of similarities. I truly do not want to go through all the problems I have caused since then and realise I have to concentrate on not only not making this mistake again but not fall into a trap and make all the others too.
Maybe this will have a follow up soon. I think it is needed as I obviously take more freedom than I should and that will only get me in troubles.
Love,
Kyla
Once in a while Miss has a period in which she has a lot of energy, does all kind of impulsive things and needs to be very gently hold back a little. If not then before you know it you live in outer space, the bottom of the ocean, in a swamp, on the highest mountain, in a cave, in heaven or in hell or anything she comes up with.
OK... Of course this is much exaggerated but the general feeling of this is correct. Recently Miss wanted to hide our beautiful island in fog and storm clouds. Nothing wrong with that once in a while on a tropical island but, it would be good if you could turn it on and off or at least be able to have it only occasionally. That was regretfully not possible so the idea ended as fast as it started. What left was a slightly unsatisfied feeling on my side as I love to please Miss and make things how she likes them to be.
Miss simply has the urge to change things at times. The same feeling that I have too btw, even if I might be somewhat less impulsive in what I place. So I asked Miss if she would like to change things so we could incorporate what she wanted to. Miss agreed at first with me but when I suggested a few days later to actually follow up with it, she had second thoughts. She said it was because she loves the place and would not like it to be destroyed. My feeling is that it was also because she is afraid that I get tired of changing things.
I have to admit that I like our place and I have to get used to the idea of having to start over again. On the other hand... I built good looking places before and simply destroy them as easily as I build them up just because I feel like doing something new. Once I am used to the idea, my brain gets in overdrive with all kind of opportunities. Lots way too far fetched but lots of usable ideas too though. So when Miss stopped me after all, I was kind of disappointed as well as relieved.
I simply adjust to Miss's wishes but of course give my honest opinion. If she wants to have rain and fog on our isle then I think it looks bad in the present setup but would love to find a way to make it look good and build it for her.
Maybe to be continued?
Love,
Kyla
