Kyla's Diary

Three days ago, Miss mentioned that she does miss me and would like to have a second chance. I had to think about it and put my thoughts straight. I might have seemed eager, and in a way I was. But not at cost of my dignity and not without having demands from my side that I could only hope were compatible with her ideas.

I wrote an email to her with all my demands and concerns... They basically came down to: "Show me that you love me and spend exclusive time with me".

Yesterday evening I prepared to talk with her about it and I hoped she was prepared too. Since she was on before me, she was talking with a new friend of hers already so we had half of our talk in IM while still having to pay attention to that friend too. Not an ideal situation but alas, I can understand that you don't send someone away immediately.

Eventually that friend was gone and I thought we could finally have our talk. It was at Miss' new home, a place she has on the land of friends that I could never stand. I would have preferred the quiet place of my own home and I told that to her but she replied that she was happy there. OK, I too have to work for a relation so we stayed at her place and started our talk.

Only 15 minutes later, one of those friends (an ex of her) comes walking in uninvited (or so I thought) so I said to Miss: "See? That's what I mean". I was really surprised when Miss replied: "No, I invited her in". I had something like: "We are both fighting for our last chance to be together and you invite friends while we talk"?

Not long after, a second and third of her friends walked in, Miss decided to talk with them about skins and hair and show off her newest avatar, a cute cat. Oh and inbetween she answered me in IM's too. What a total lack of timing! How careless with my feelings! How on earth can you act like that when you seriously want to fight for your last chance?

It turned out to me that it was in her eyes me that should get a last chance. I should change drastically, accept all those weirdo’s of friends and interact with them. Yes right! As if I have anything to say to that kind of people. Especially not when I want to talk about how to build up what we lost again.

I always had the feeling that RL, even if it might be one of the reasons I was pushed away, was not the main reason. The main reason was simply because I was boring her at the time. Ohhh... I believe she missed me, but I know now that she does not miss me enough to: "Show me that she loves me and spend exclusive time with me".

Sure, she wants to spend time with me. As long as I can accept that I have to share her with a "friend" that once told her that "she wouldn't touch Miss with a 10 foot pole", her ex and the owner of the place.

Well, I can not compete with that and I told her that. She accused me that I wanted to make her choose between them and I. Reality is that she had already chosen for them, she made that more than clear to me so I pulled back. I told her that I had already chosen for her. The only thing I could do in those circumstances as she is not capable anymore of showing me that she truly loves me.

I would have loved if we could work things out but at least I finally have the truth. Something she always denied but never showed with her actions too. And again this time... words are nice, actions are better. At least I know the true reason why I was pushed aside and even if I don't like it, knowing the truth helps big time in getting over her.

She asked me if I would remove her from my friend-list. The answer is no, it means a lot to her somehow. I have no idea why because she has other friends that she prefers but alas, the only thing it does is that it takes up some space on that list so for now she can stay on it.

This concludes this diary.
I might start a new one... some day... for someone else.

The illusion has ended.

Love,
Kyla