Kyla's Diary

Then there comes a day that you wait for your loved one and she's not there that evening. No big deal as it happens to me as well that for some reason (mostly a technical one) I am not able to get online. The next day you send an email to explain why, either from home or from work, and everything is ok again.

Daily routine went on the next day... I wrote my previous entry and emailed Miss about it. A bit disappointed that there was no mail during the day but looking forward to meet Miss again that evening. Well, that evening still no reaction and for the first time a hint of fear surfaced.

Weekend was coming and we often see each other then. Anxiously looking forward to meet her again the next day, without any luck. Also the next few days there was no reaction from Miss. By then I was ready to creep up the walls, basically crying myself to sleep every night because I could not come up with any logical explanation that would relieve me.

Thoughts alternated between: She's dead, in hospital or simply not interested in me anymore. Sure, that last option comes up as possibility, but I did not think it to be a legitimate one. So there were two options left that really didn't look appealing to me.

Then finally, almost a week after the last time I saw her, there was a message starting with: "Don't be worried, my heart". Yeah right! As if! Of course those words soothed some of my worries but just when I wanted to open the message, my daughter came in, in tears and without having had the chance to read anything yet. As a good mother there is no way to ignore that of course and after long and extensive hugging my baby (and tormenting myself by delaying to open Miss’ message by it), I finally opened it. My heart beating like crazy because even if I "should not be worried", try to take that out of you in a few minutes when you have been worried sick all week.

So from the three options I had in mind as possibilities, the worst was not true. But Miss in hospital was certainly not going to do it for me either. Yes, I was relieved when Miss told me that she was there without having a prior possibility to email me and without the person she asked to do so, actually doing it. Yes, I was relieved that whatever she had, was not life threatening at all but... worries were not entirely over of course. Still, that evening I went to bed relieved and light-hearted for the first time in almost a week.

It would still take more than a full week for her to recover entirely. A week in which I again did not get any notice but in which I certainly was not as nervous anymore as the first week. Also a week in which I had to make a decision about some of our shared belongings. In hindsight, that decision might not have been necessary. On the other hand, it's not as if I had a whole lot of choice either so I do not regret abandoning our land.

Then the night came that Miss was suddenly there again. Without me being there of course as I had some RL things to do and I did not get a prior notice that Miss would be there so I couldn't know... Murphy's Law worked well!

Then finally, after 16 days, Miss and I could wrap our virtual arms around each other once more. Something that did feel different than I thought it would. I was kinda numb that evening and not ready to truly rejoice already. Too much in my mind had happened to be able to just shove it aside and enjoy. Of course I was relieved and of course I loved to be in her arms once more but... dark clouds might blow over, they are not gone from one moment to the other.

Only the next few days I was able to shove the ominous feelings aside. The last of those fading now while writing this. Something I once in a while need to do as I'm better able to analyse my feelings when I write them down. Even while I write this, I have difficulties to hold my tears back, but now for the first time it's because of sheer happiness.

I don't think a conclusion to all of this is necessary after what I wrote down here...

Love,
Kyla